Eat Your Dinner!

Eat Your Dinner!

(The Skills That (Don't) Pay the Bills)

Being a father of three I have a lot of recently acquired skills that will only be useful for a short period in my life.
I can change a nappy quickly and efficiently, or at least I used to be able to.
Pop, Pop, Swipe, Wipe, Bag, Bish, Bosh, Yoink, Tab, Tab, Done!
I've not done one in a couple of years, so who knows? How rusty are my nappy changing skills now?

I used to be able to catch, strip and change a toddler for bed in about two minutes. This too is a skill that I no longer have a use for. I sometimes feel like I want to borrow a baby or a toddler now, just to keep my hand in. Seriously.

One thing though, that I think I'll never be able to shake, is my overwhelming desire to make sure a child finishes its dinner. Myself and the wife feel the same way, on this we are in complete agreement, we simply cannot suffer to see a child not clear its plate.

Over the last ten years we have developed the following tactics.

1. Firmly saying (i.e. shouting) 'Eat Your Dinner!' and pointing at the plate repeatedly.
2. Long lectures on Food, Nutrition and the horrors of Vitamin deficiency (i.e. Ye Olde Tales of Skirvy Pete the Pirate).
3. Suggesting that at next dinner time they can eat handfuls of dandelions and mud, since they don't seem to like what is being served to them today.
4. Me guarding the kitchen door to catch kids trying to escape back to Minecraft or CBeebies.
5. Threats of reductions in computer time and other privileges.
6. Guilt trip stories of hungry refugee children from around the world.

It has now reached a level as to be pure instinct. So much so, that now I actually have to leave the room if I am eating at a table where a kid I have no control over is picking over a plate of food, for fear of what I might say.

What I am holding back, if given vent, would go thusly:
Me: 'Eat your bloody dinner!'
Kid's Parent: 'Oh, but Ben doesn't really care for broccoli we just put it on his plate anyway.'
'Wh-at?'
'You know, get him used to it. He never eats it.'
'WH-AT?'
'Don't worry about it.'
'So its just ... thrown away? After every meal?'
'We just, you know, don't force him. He just eats what he wants. If he's not hungry then that's fine.'
'That's. Fine... Oh that's fine, is it? Food going in the bin? Hey, that's no problem! Just eat a few mouthfuls then go back to Roblox. If your hungry later, have a bag of crisps. No problem. It's fine! Well you know what else was fine? Hitler! That's what you want is it? Bring back Hitler? He didn't finish his dinner either!'

... you get the idea, honestly I think I am that bad.

Recently someone said to me, 'Oh, but your children are so good. They always eat their dinner, mine are so fussy.'

Well, let me tell you, my kids clearing their plates did not happen by accident! It's not like we are just got lucky and happen to be blessed with children that will eat anything put in front of them. They eat it because they know what's  good for them and this took years and years of hard work from me and the wife.
They always eat their dinner now because we used every trick and tactic (see above) we had and never ever gave up or even  slacked off. It was a ten year battle, and eventually we won.
And for you, the thing is, you tried to get your kids to eat their vegetables, for a month or two. Or even a year or two.
And then you gave up. Never give up!

Now my kids (bless them) eat everything put in front of them, usually with very little prompting. It remains to be seen if we've inflicted any eating disorders on them, but I suppose we'll see later in life.

But me and the misses, we are so bad that now I think between the two of us, we could break a hunger strike.

... Walks into cell, 'You're on hunger strike eh? Not eating this lovely plate of food eh? Eat the food! Eat it! You want it to go to the birds? There are children in Syria that would cry in joy at the sight of a tiny bit of this food! Eat it!
You'd rather it was thrown away? With so many people hungry in the world? Eat it! You'll get no pudding! No TV or computer tonight, eat it! Look at this lovely meal. The chef spent ages on this. How do you think he'll feel? Knowing you didn't even touch it? Eat it! Eat! It! Eatit!'
... and similar, for hour after hour. I'd take pleasure in it. I think we would break anyone in the end.

There is something wrong with me now. Seeing food going to waste is on a level with genocide. That's not right. I realise that.

All I can say is, hopefully one day my kids will forgive me.