We were camped in the forest somewhere near the border. Since we had a druid with us the campsite was well chosen, out of the wind and snug. The fire chuckled merrily and the moon shone down between the evergreen trees. The pleasant smell of pine needles and wood smoke hung in the air.
We were in no hurry to go to sleep since tomorrow would be the last leg of our journey. A leisurely half day's stroll to the village of Freyl.
The druid was the only one no longer awake. He was an old man and said that his bones had grown so tired he didn't like sleeping on the ground much these days. So he shape shifted into the form of a gigantic brown bear whenever he slept in the wild. He said it was much more comfortable and it certainly looked it.
Gentle snoring came from the big heap of fur on the other side of the fire.
I myself was resting my head on Bandrax's leg and Decalis was lying looking up at the stars to my right.
'Uhh...', I said breaking the silence, 'It's so relaxing and warm here, but I really need to go pee before I turn in.'
Bandrax snorted then said 'Here we go again.'
Decalis, an elf, shook his head in the gloom 'Please not another conversation about bodily functions. Is there not another topic you can discuss?'
'What better topic is there?' replied Bandrax, who was a much more rugged and down to earth character than the refined elf 'It is a natural process and we are surrounded by nature after all.'
Decalis broke a twig and threw both pieces on the fire.
'Your disgusting little talks are probably why Roztov always goes to sleep so early.'
We made no reply to that for several minutes, but in the end Bandrax could not resist,
'You know. He has it easier than all of us. He doesn't even have any trousers to pull down.'
'Oh please' groaned Decalis and mimicked looking around 'Is there another campfire I can go to?'
I was genuinely intrigued though, 'I would have thought he turns back into a man before he does his.. you know ..'
Bandrax chuckled, 'Come on! He's a bear. This is the woods. You work it out.'
I nodded in the darkness, 'Hmm. You're probably right.'
Bandrax as he reached up to scratch his beard. It was going gray around the chin now, I suppose he was not far away from forty. Men seemed to age so fast.
'Anyway', he said, scratching away 'You being a wizard, why can't you just conjure up some magic pants?'
'Magic pants?'
'You know, just teleport all the .. stuff .. into the Astral Plane or something?'
'Uh huh.'
Bandrax was warming to his idea now 'You would find a market for it I'm sure. When I was a King's Guard in Timu I could have done with something like that. That armour takes half an hour to take off and what with my bowels being the way they are...'
Decalis who had had his head in his hands, looked up.
'Are you suggesting...?'
'Oh well!' laughed the man 'Let's just say I had a few narrow escapes that's all.
They eat nothing but pastry in that city and it's murder on my digestion.'
It was true, myself, Bandrax and Decalis had been friends for twenty years, adventuring all over Nillimandor and had grown wealthy doing it. I'd seen Bandrax
slaughter armies of orcs and goblins with his magical sword 'Ghost Bringer' but due to his irritable bowel he would run in terror from a pork pie.
'Well, it will be good healthy food at Drako's. He has a torm cook.'
Bandrax licked his lips, he was fond of his food 'I'm looking forward to it. It will be good to see him again too.'
Drako was the wizard I had trained under. I myself, I should explain, an a torm, one of the many halfling races that inhabit Nillimandor, I was born on the south side of the border making me a 'fressle' in the local language and I was taken in by Drako when just a child. He had seen potential in me and tutored me in the art of magic.
A few moments later the bear rolled over, got up onto all fours and wander into the darkness of the forest.
'Care to speculate what he's about to do?' Bandrax asked Decalis.
'For the love of the Goddess. Stop.' grumbled the elf.
'Come on!' said the man with a smile in his voice 'Are you telling me elves don't poo?'
'Of coarse we do! We just don't talk about it.'
'Little things like rabbit dropping I should imagine, with hardly any smell at all.'
'Be quiet. We never discuss such base things.'
'So when the Queen of Greenmarches goes to push one out' said Bandrax putting on an air of genuine confusion, 'What does she tell her courtiers?'
Still, after twenty years, Decalis could not help but rise to this sort of teasing from Bandrax,
'Your ignorant monkey brain can not comprehend the subtleties of the elvish language. We use metaphor and euphemism for everything.'
Bandrax could speak elvish reasonable well having traveled and lived with one for so long and in a high falsetto voice did a reasonable impression of their Queen.
'Oh, my lords and ladies!', he squeaked 'Please pray excuse me! Prithee I must leave you for a moment. One has a sewer snake to release.'
By now I was choking with mirth. Bandrax continued,
'One has to go bait a trap! One has to go build a log cabin!'
If I could have joined in I would have, but I was having a coughing fit. Bandrax was a seasoned jester though and went on,
'My lords, I must go curl one off! I must go deceive a fart. I have to de-cork the bottle. Make way for your queen, I must drop a hoop snake. I must go and free the chocolate hostages. I have a trumpet recital to attend. I have to grow a tail. It is time to release the Kracken.. I have to shed some ballast .. um wait I've got another one...'
'Enough!', cried the elf, then he hissed quietly since we were in a reasonably dangerous part of the country after all, 'Enough with the toilet humour! I will not hear my queen disrespected in this way!'
The elf threw a boot at the man. I continued to choke with mirth.
Bandrax said 'Very well! I yield my lord. I yield!'
'Sometimes I wonder', grumbled the elf 'Him I can understand, but you Mary? You encourage him! You trained under the mighty Drako and are yourself one of the most powerful wizard's in Timu, all of Nillimandor probably. I once saw you bring down a hill giant with a single magic fireball and yet you behave like a child half the time.'
'I'm sorry Decalis' I said, rather taken aback by his stern tone.
Then I saw that he was smiling in the darkness and I realised that he too was joking. Bandrax reached down and ruffled my hair,
'Don't worry half-pint. You are really annoying but we still love you.'
As usual they were both blaming me when as far I was concerned I was completely innocent in the entire thing. What you must remember is that myself and Decalis were still children really. Torms can live to two hundred and elves just go on and on.
Just then the tall figure of Rostov strode up to the fire. He was back in the shape of a man.
'There I was unloading a traveler when I heard all this kerfuffle coming from back at the camp. It frightened my right into my skin. I come rushing back and find you are all just giggling like children,'
I knew Roztov was not being serious. He was like a father too us, old and wise. We knew he was old although he did not look it. Druids aged differently, but by my calculation he must have been seventy at least.
He re-seated himself by the fire and warmed his hands. I could see his long blonde hair and beard framing a friendly open face.
Although we had had our fair share of adventure it was nothing compared to him. He had literally been all over the world, as far west as the Isle of Dragons and as far east as the Three Kingdoms of Yaja. Roztov was an ambassador for the Great Forest and although in semi-retirement he liked nothing more than travel and that was the main reason were were taking the slow way to Freyl rather than using a magical option.
'Sorry Roz, we were just discussing Mary's magic pants.'
I slapped Bandrax's thigh at that. Roztov raised an eyebrow.
'Oh really?'
'That's it!' I declared and jumped up 'I really have to go now.'
'Is it a big job or a small one?'
'Oh don't start again!' I cried 'Anyway, I told you I'm just going for a pee. Then I'm going to sleep.'
Bandrax sat up and called after me,
'You mean you are going to talk to grandma? Spend a penny? Drain the dragon? Flush the scuppers? Siphon the weasel? Leak the lizard? Shake hands with the wife's best friend? Wash the mongoose?... ahhh... oh she's gone.'
I was still with in earshot, but was concentrating on my business.
What with all the layers of skirts, underskirts and underwear I'd just had to fight through to be in a position to 'water the flowers' I'd started to wonder if magic pants wasn't such a bad idea after all.
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